I Loved You Best
I haven’t written because I haven’t known what to write. I haven’t known what to say because panic and fear and uncertainty will not let me out of their grip. Not to think, to breathe, to decide, to be.
I do not know how to be ok.
I do not know how to fix the mess that I am in.
I do not know how to get home, or how to survive this.
I do not know how to pass my days, or my nights.
I do know that it is ok to not know.
I am grateful for each and every comment that I receive on this blog.
Somedays, your words are the only thing that I “hear” outside of the constant thud of this broken heart of mine.
Thank you.
I love him.
I do not know how to stop loving him.
I do not know how to love him and to know that it’s over. I think it’s best that I do not talk about what is happening on here, he knows about this site, he loved my words, I do not want to splay the ugliness between us all over these pages. I do not want to make this harder or uglier than it needs to be.
In my about page, I say that I want a permanent record. I want to wear the death of this thing, this love, this hope, this future, this possibility, on my self like a scar. I want to say that I love him. That I love every memory, every flaw, every story, every secret, every mistake that makes him who he is. I want to say that I believed, believed, that I would grow old with him. And instead, I am presented with a lesson in impermanence, in a new kind of loss, in acceptance, that is, most heartbreakingly of all, now of my own choosing.
Somewhere, somehow, I lost my voice. We lost our song. I am so fucking sorry that that has happened. I am so fucking sorry that I was looking the other way as we unravelled.
I don’t know how to leave, how to be without, the person that I have loved best.
I do not know how to sit with this sadness.
Broken Heart by bored now
for the most part time will do the healing,, you just need to do what it is you have to do… and then one day you will catch yourself and say,, hey,, i haven’t thought about him all day,, wow!!! and from there you will know,, you are almost home….
Oh honey….GOSH… we are in such similar places right now. I hate thinking anyone else suffers as I have/do and I’d not wish it on ANY one! However, in a rather selfish way, it helps me to realize I’m not actually alone and there’s nothing “wrong” with me(as I sometimes worry) that I hurt SO badly from this…
I wish I had soothing words of comfort or strong words of wisdom to write here, but I do not. I can only remind you that you aren’t alone and although I haven’t gotten “there” yet either, it IS inevitable that this, too, shall pass.
Be kind and gentle to yourself please and be sure to reach out whenever you need to… you are not alone. ~Namaste~
there are so many beautiful lines here — material for the future when you are ready or able to write about these moments. i feel for you immensely. i don’t have any wise words or advice but know that i’m here for you, thinking positive thoughts about you, and that you can email me anytime
also that moment paisley talks about when you realize you haven’t thought about the person all day is surely one of the greatest moments.
I’ve just been catching up and am so sorry to read all of this.
If you need someone to talk to, I am an email away. Or if you can get down to Glyfada (because my own panic won’t let me leave suburbia at the moment) we could go for a drink and chat.
xx
What can one say? It is hard to read of your suffering and not empathise, but ultimately, your suffering is yours alone and will only pass when it is done with you. I often think that when relationships end, we mourn the future as much as the past, for we have to envisage our lives anew. Grieve, and know that you will always find the way, one step at a time.
Puss
I’m sorry to hear the sadness in this post.
There is a new place in the future, and you will find it, however epic the journey en route. I hope you find your way there quickly.
I know how hard it is because I was just there, in this horrible place you’re in, 7 months ago. It’s unbearable. And it stays unbearable. And then, you just start to get a little better, but the pain comes through at awkward moments, but you do get better. You’re never going to be ‘over it’ but you’ll be past it. Some sweet day. And I’m holding you in my thoughts. I know you are going to be alright. I just know it.
every day i pray and meditate. consider yourself included.
Although not the most maternal of women, I feel so inclined to give you a motherly hug just now! But you’re a bit far away yet, so give yourself a hug for me, please. From my vantage point of 68 years and much loving, I think Tamara’s words are very wise and true.
You have truth, courage and – yes – love. They will bring you through this. So will the writing. (If you have things you don’t want to write publicly but feel you must express, then get a private journal too, in this or whatever form.)
I too hold you in my thoughts.
Heartbreak. What more can I say. Except that it is unbearable. That there are days when the pain is such that you become numbed. I lost my ability to write in an attempt not to feel anything anymore, when my heart broke 9 years ago. And that added to the emptiness and the ache that cannot be assuaged.
But hearts do mend. It just takes time. Courage. Space.
Take care.