Because It Needs To Be Said
There’s a delicately patterned blue bowl sitting under the faucet in the kitchen sink. Water is drip drip dripping slowly filling it, gracing it with a whisper of purpose.
I was always going to be the one to lose wasn’t I? Me with the leaping and the jumping and the feet firmly planted. You knew it too didn’t you? The tears, the chest thumping, you knew. For all the lies and deception, for the neglect and the pseudo-fucking, for the loneliness and the confusion, for the overfuckingwhelming loss, for all of it, I can’t bring myself to blame you. I blame me. And you knew that too, you knew. And that, finally, finally, is why. Your freedom, your place to hang your hat, your stupid trite reasoning, your worthless muttering, your inconsequential stupid love, your cheap shirt that wipes up no mess, your intercontinental banal reassurances, all of it, for all of it I blame me. You blame me. We blame me. And only one of us, the stronger one, the one who loved less, you fucking lying bastard, only one of us is free.
I am very glad you’re angry. Angry is good.
Puss
Glamourpuss
September 30, 2008 at 7:03 am
Puss took my comment.
On a random note, that little music grinder you have on your page right now? When I was a little girl, probably 5, my babysitter’s daughter gave me one just like that and I thought it was the most magical thing I’d ever seen. I spent so much time turning that crank, watching the tines catch on the swells, chirping out the little tune. I have no idea where it is now, but I’d never seen another one until I came to your page.
I’m sure you were on the edge of your seat with that story….
heather
September 30, 2008 at 9:04 am
You´re free, you just don´t know it yet. It´s always hard at first, there´s anger, there´s regret, there´s too much looking back, remembering, hurting, pain..etc…but everything changes, everything gets better, it always does.
writingpassion
September 30, 2008 at 11:42 am
You might not feel free now, but I’m telling you you are not to blame. And once you see that? You’ll believe that you’re free.
I’m glad you’re angry too. I just hope that that anger is not directed at yourself.
xx
Hope
September 30, 2008 at 7:43 pm
From the last to this post; from a thumping heart to anger – you need these to avoid falling into the cracks, fight the mindnumbing depression. It is going to be tough going but I wish you courage and I wish you warmth. I would send you a bowl of tom yam (Paula will cook, of course), if I could.
Karen
October 1, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I care about your pain, I empathise with your anger, truly I do … but oh, the rhythms of your beautiful prose!
Rosemary Nissen-Wade (aka SnakyPoet)
October 1, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I wish I could say something to comfort you, but all I can come up with is my mantra that I said to myself when I went through my bad break-up, “Fuck that dude. Fuck him where he lives.”
Thinking about you.
Tamara
October 2, 2008 at 3:25 am
I second Tamara’s comment: “Fuck him where he lives.” Thanks for writing so beautifully about your pain.
ada
October 6, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Puss, anger is my friend
Heather, Hope, you have mail xx
Writingpassion, hello and thank you. You’re right, nothing stays the same
Karen, thank you, really thank you. I can almost smell the tom yam xx
Rosemary, thank you. These last few entries have felt so crap – thank you.
Tamara, I adore you!! Fuck him where he lives – I think I’m sending just the right kind of karma his way
xx
Ada, thank you and hello and yes, I love my new mantra too
thehappymisfit
October 8, 2008 at 7:19 am